My family is doing an online Secret Santa gift drawing this year, and my nephew, who is knower of all things tech, hooked us up with this online site called “Elfster.” (I know, I know. Me too.)
Anyway, part of Elfster is creating a wish list for yourself. I have an aversion to “wishlists” because a married couple absolutely broke me of it. (I want to say for the record that I didn’t really know these people – they were friends of friends and clearly, my friends thought their list was so ridiculous that it ended up being emailed to me, and I shared it with anyone who would read it because it was so self-indulgent and FREAKING STUPID. No, I’m sorry, you don’t get a case or two of fine, organic, low-sulfate wine for your engagement. No, I will not be creating an art piece that showcases your amazing love with natural items found on a meaningful walk through a forest. Go away, now.)
Of course, I was incapable of writing anything serious on the Elfster site. My first request was a Porsche 911, and I don’t even like Porches…I’m more of a Subaru Outback kind of gal. Then I think I asked for the Hope Diamond, and a sack of potatoes. Clearly, I wasn’t taking Elfster very seriously.
Anyway, it got me thinking. What would my real wish list be? If money, power, time, and reality were no object? Way better than a Subaru Outback let me tell you.
1. A time machine to go back to 1993, the year the movie Tombstone was released. I would like to somehow manipulate the Oscar nominees to make sure that Val Kilmer is not only nominated, but wins the Academy Award for Best Supporting actor for his pivotal role as Doc Holiday because seriously, he was amazing. Not fat, crazy Val of today, but slim, intense, pre-batman Val of days of old. I would SO be his huckleberry.
2. A Subaru Outback, loaded – with heated seats, automatic start, weather radio and wings. Yes, I want my Outback to fly.
3. I would drivefly my Outback (with my friends in tow) to England to see David Tennant on stage in the Royal Shakespeare Company’s version of Hamlet…or maybe his current production of Richard II might do as well, however they are 10 years apart. Wait! See #1. Done and done!
4. Take my time machine back to when I was 17 and got a bad perm and crushed the right front quarter panel of my mother’s brand new MG convertible all in one night. I would tell myself to stay home and skip both of those damaging events. If I didn’t listen, I would have the sense to bring a gun and some duct tape.
5. I change school policy to be able to keep a monkey in my classroom, so my student’s can gauge their behavior.
6. I would hire the Allman Brother’s Band to play for my 50th birthday party.
7. I would clone a polar bear. Why not?
8. I would send 1,000 pizzas to Kanye West’s house on April Fool’s because he doesn’t seem like he can take a joke. I would love to see his face…oh, Kanye!
9. I would invite Brett Farve over for dinner. I would have his family. I would not ask him about Instagram or sexting. It would be all business.
10. I would like to create a dog park where people actually picked up their dog’s poop.
11. I would make it a law that cell phones had to shock students if they held it in their hand in a classroom.
12. I would make everyone call me “Lil Wonda.”
13. I would make the Eagles go back into the studio and make more music, but with more of a focus on Joe Walsh. Then I would make everyone who trashed it on Twitter get a sliver in their texting thumb.
14. For one day only, make Lake Superior a gigantic jello salad with marshmallows. I think it would make sailing even more fun.
15. I would make everyone find something so funny every day, that they laughed until they cried. Every flipping day of their lives…
offensivehabits 