Egg Nog Blasphemer

I bet you didn’t know that rum is the holiest of all Christmas drinks.  It’s true.  That’s why they sing about it in that carol, “The Little Drummer Boy.”  When you think about it, it’s obvious.  Rum is what you put in egg nog, which is a Christmas drink but also, egg nog has a holy beginning.  I bet you didn’t know that.  Listen and learn.

Mary and Joseph were so poor they had nothing to drink. They were so poor they had to drink eggs right? And not eggs from the store, but like eggs from real chickens that Joseph had to chase down, which is hard to do in a dress.  So, when the kings showed up and that was all they had, Balthasar put some frankincense in it and then spiked it with rum as to not make them feel bad because they were drinking eggs.  I mean, everybody knows that royals are like, used to good food.  (That’s why that Lordes girl will never be a royal, because she’s too skinny and clearly doesn’t eat rich, king-like food.)

The wise kings had rum because they were from the south, and everybody knows rum comes from the tropics, and Nazareth can get pretty hot.  Also, they had to take the long trip on a donkey, so I am sure a flask of rum would help make that journey less horrible.  Of course, Mary didn’t have any.  She had just recently given birth, and regardless of whether or not she breast feed baby Jesus (some scholars think he might have been above that sort of thing) she didn’t think it would look good in front of the kings.  Joseph however had some.  That’s why we drink rum at Christmas.  And wine.  Because for Christians, it represents Christ’s blood, and that’s how some Christians choose to celebrate the holiday.  By drinking that sweet little baby’s blood.

Happy Holidays.

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Filed under Holiday, Humor, Winter

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